1600 words on authority, submission, and FLRs

It was around 2009 when I had my first realization that certain types of authoritarian power structures were built like a house of cards. I was in the Army, and it occurred to me that if I told my soldiers to do something that there was nothing I could actually do to enforce it.

If you’re reading this, it may sound like I was being a bitch about it but hear me out.

If I told a Soldier to sweep the training area, and he said no, what options did I have?

Well, I could yell a lot. I could direct him to do physical training. I could write a counseling statement.

This hypothetical soldier could however choose not to listen, choose not to do the exercises, and or choose not to sign the counseling statement.

I could not (without consequences) lay my hands on the soldier, or otherwise physically force the soldier to do something.

If the soldier refused, I pushed it up the chain of command, to someone else who could threaten or cajole. But even if we went to take rank and pay away, the commander (the highest ranking, most powerful person in the unit) still had to go ahead and send that directive down to a private who would carry it out.

And who could also refuse, starting their own sequence of problematic events.

It was at that point that I realized that though we said the people at the top were in charge, and we all pretended like they were, it was really the workers at the bottom who had the real power. Everything else was an illusion. It only worked because we bought into it. The commander’s and the rest of the leadership, all of them, all of their authority was derived from the engagement of the people below them. It only worked because we all thought it did.

All of our authority was based solely upon the idea that the consequences of not doing what we wanted were worse than what we asked them to do in the first place. God forbid they realize that we had no power to enforce those consequences, but only to petition others to enforce them on our behalf.

The emperor very clearly has no clothes.

Because I was a natural submissive, finding out that my leadership had no real power was a hell of a blow to me, and ultimately the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s. Coming to terms with that drove me out of the army.

If I couldn’t believe in the authority of the people over me, how could I expect the people below me to believe in my authority over them?

I am lucky in that I was a good leader, and my Soldiers did what I asked them to do because I wasn’t a dick about it. I rarely got pushback, and usually attempted to fix things through compromise. I led, instead of directing.

But I (for the most part) kept my realizations to myself, worried that if the privates in my unit got ahold of the ideas behind it all that I would be causing more issues than I could ever solve.

I spent fourteen years of my life in the Army, and after that realization it was three years before I could get out (I had the realization around year 11 of service). I spent the next decade slowly working through my personal baggage around authority, discipline, and service. I was looking to serve, and I was looking to submit, but I lacked the vocabulary to express what was going on inside my head.

I had an explosive temper. I would want things to be a certain way, but not communicate effectively why my desires were, then get angry when my desires weren’t met.

I was selfish, and I was shitty. Not because I wanted to be, but because no one had ever taught me how NOT to be.

Growing up, I was a latchkey kid; going to school on my own, and coming home on my own, whatever I wanted, however I wanted it was there, because I did a lot of it myself. I wanted it quiet? I turned off the stereo. I didn’t want to do homework? I lied and said I didn’t have any. This was before the internet when parents could check grades and assignments.

My parents lived far enough away from work that I was home before them and could erase the answering machine if there were tardy notices or calls from my teacher. I could intercept the mail… My parents are lucky I wasn’t out of control in other ways. I had near free reign. I had no discipline, and I sorely needed it.

But when I got out of the Army, I still wanted to submit. The army had given me that comforting security blanket of someone else having power over me, and of my discipline being at the mercy of someone else, but now it was gone. I wanted to submit. I needed to submit. I just didn’t know that’s what I wanted. I had never had a dominant figure in my life outside of the Army, and I knew that authority in the army itself was all smoke and mirrors.

I crave being disciplined.

I crave being restrained.

Not because I want to be useless or helpless, but because I want to push and struggle against those boundaries.

What I want was to serve. That’s what drove me into the Army in the first place, and while I believed in it, I was content.

Perhaps instead of looking for other places to serve, I should have been looking at home. I should have bene looking to the woman I love.

But I was not prepared to look at home. My wife had been submissive to me for so long that I neglected to even consider the possibility that the roles could be flipped.

Once I read up on BDSM, service, female domination, and other areas of the kinky lifestyle, things began to click for me.

I tried explaining to my wife, the first time, but I was too close to the problem, and again lacked the vocabulary to express my feelings. Our first attempt at an FLR went off track and was dismissed pretty quickly. Rules were established, but not enforced and we quickly forgot about it.

Then I discovered chastity.

I was so excited. This was my ultimate chance to submit, and once the lock went on, it was out of my control.

I introduced my wife to the idea, and she was not pleased. She wanted to know (though she didn’t say at the time) why she wasn’t enough. Why did I need this kinkiness on top of everything else she had given me?

The truth is, though that I was (and am) ashamed of how I acted all these years. I am ashamed that she buried her wants and needs in order to put mine first. I am ashamed that she put off her continuing education, her certifications, and her happiness for so long that I don’t even know what to say about it.

I know that she needs to be fulfilled. I know that she needs to not only come first (pardon the entendre), but to put herself first. She needs to lead, and I want to be led.

So I gave her articles by Chastity Perkins, who was a reluctant housewife turned keyholder. Her relationship with her husband is nothing like ours, but articles by her answered many questions my wife had. Things that I couldn’t express for numerous reasons. I had, for instance not learned how to be vulnerable enough to open up exploration of those feelings.

Also, her words put things in a different perspective.

I have included her first article from over at Medium as a link in this blog. For those of you pursuing a female led relationship, her words may give your significant other some perspective on this.

https://medium.com/@chastityperkins/the-reluctant-wife-743956e18d7f

My wife and I haven’t begun going any farther than daily tasks for me and keeping a list of things to be done. I’m on the honor system as far as self-pleasure is concerned. My wife would like to make sure that this is something I want before it damages our relationship. There is after all, a vast difference between the fantasy of chastity and an FLR, and the reality of not ever being able to unlock yourself short of power tools or a locksmith.

Things left unsaid have the ability to damage a relationship forever, and she’s not willing to risk us, so we’re treading slowly.

This is what I want, however.

I want her needs to come first. It’s her time to be uplifted and supported, and it is my time to submit by casting aside my needs and wants in favor of hers.

Chastity is, to me, the ultimate form of surrender. It is the only way I can guarantee that I do not go back to my selfish ways. It allows her to direct my sexual energies and frustrations towards her, instead of to the computer or to stripers.

It forces me to maintain discipline and not to regress, while allowing her to gain confidence and strength in her new position in the relationship.

It will give me a constant, weighty reminder of her power over me, placing me in near permanent bondage (which I want so badly), and the key around her neck will give her the constant understanding that my body, my will, and my orgasms belong to her.

This is what I want.

This is what I want for me

This is what I want for her.

And so long as this is what she wants as well, then there will be no going back for us.

I surrender my will to her and submit myself for her guidance, to mold and change me as she sees fit until I am a better man, husband, lover, and father